Fake Smiles and True Happiness
by DetectiveConanFan13
Summary: Tomoyo can't let go yet. One day, she will, but today... Today she's still smiling. One-Shot


Tomoyo looked at the man, his words still ringing in her head. She had expected this. She had noticed how attached he was getting to her. It still managed to surprise her that he did it now though. She was losing her touch she supposed.

"Tomoyo-san?" Respectful, even after a question like that.

"You'll never be the first one in my heart. I told you that when you asked me out. Why do you want to subject yourself to that?" She really was curious. She knew she would never stop loving Sakura, even as some would dismiss it as a crush from her childhood. No one really knew about it, not how far it went. Sakura would be crushed if she knew, so Tomoyo simply hid it from her and everyone else. No need for her pain to be spread around.

The man blushed. He really wasn't that bad looking, Tomoyo mused. He was really quite attractive. He still wasn't the one she really wanted though. "I know that, Tomoyo-san and I've thought about it a lot. I can deal with that if I can simply be by your side."

The words seemed to strike at her heart and an overwhelming sense of guilt washed over her. _'Have I made someone else like me?'_ she wondered. If he knew what she felt and it was her fault… Of course, he couldn't know the heartbreak she had felt because she could never share it. What should she do though? She wanted to cry right now. It wouldn't be good to do that quite yet though. She settled for placing her hand across her mouth and holding back the tears threatening to fall. "I'm sorry. I'm so sorry," she told him, shaking her head. "You don't deserve that. No one does, but you're kind. I'm certain you can be happy with someone. It just _can't _be me." Oh, damn. She had tried so hard to keep her tears from falling, but they had come down anyways. "You'll wonder if you're doing something wrong and why it couldn't be you everyday and I can't put someone through that."

He looked down and she thought that was the end of the conversation, but she was wrong. His face told her of his resolve as he looked up. "I know that too. It's enough to be there and help you." Tomoyo's tears continued to fall as she shook her head wildly, violet hair flying around her head.

"It won't be. I know." Then she began to sob in earnest, telling him she was so sorry and thanking him for his affection, but it wasn't enough and he had to know that and it wasn't fair that they both could try forever and still have nothing at the end of the day besides friendship and oh god, it hurt! Somewhere, in the corner of her mind, she was happy that he had chosen to propose to her in his home and that her breakdown wasn't in public.

He simply sat by her side and hugged her through it, repeating what seemed to be his phrase for the night, "I know."

When she had calmed, she slipped out of his arms and said, "It wouldn't work."

"How about, if I ever find someone I love other than you, I'll go to them? Would that work?"

Tomoyo washed her face as she considered this. "And how do I know you won't stay out of a sense of loyalty or honor?" He was the type of guy who would stay if being happy meant she would lose face.

"I guess you don't. You'll just have to trust me on that." He smiled at her and she sighed. A life with him wouldn't be so bad. She could see it. They would have kids and there would be a lot of laughter and joy. It would be lovely…

But there would be times when one of them or the other would resent their life and their children and wish that they had the love of the person they prized. It would be a thought lurking in their minds at every moment, marring the beautiful, light portrait her mind had already painted of that life.

So, she smiled at him and shook her head sadly. "I can't. I hope you find happiness, Shigeru-san."

"Did I mess up somehow?" he asked.

She looked up with a brilliant smile on her face, all traces of her crying gone. "That's exactly why I can't. You didn't mess up and I still don't feel as you do. I don't think we'll be seeing each other again after this, so goodbye."

"What? Tomoyo-san, we work at the same place!"

"Didn't I tell you, Shigeru-san? I worked there to pass the time. I already resigned. I no longer worked there as of yesterday. Goodbye." Her tone was firm now and it allowed no was a lie. Now she had to resign. Of course, her mother had connections in the company. She could just transfer.

He stood, stricken, in his doorway for a moment before he muttered, "Goodbye."

When he shut the door, her smile fractured. That was the third guy this had happened to and she still regretted it. Every time, she felt another chance at happiness slip through her fingers and then she remembered that she wouldn't have been happy. It would have been as fake as her crying fit and her smile. She had simply needed to get away from there and would have done anything to do it.

She knew she was lying to herself. Even if the smile had been fake, the crying had not. Shigeru was the one who had come closest so far. Maybe one day, she would find someone who she loved more than Sakura, but it hadn't happened yet. She walked to a park she knew near his apartment. There was a lake there, with some of the bluest water she had ever seen. It always made her feel calm whenever she looked into it, reminding her of her childhood. It had been such an interesting time of her life.

She had to make it quick though. She was meeting Sakura in a café in about 15 minutes now.

* * *

><p><em><strong>AN: I could make this a story, but I'll leave it as a one-shot unless a few people ask me to expand it. It would be ExT if I did expand.**_

___**I feel really bad for what I did to Tomoyo here. Anyway, this changed about halfway through. The original version had her skipping the breakdown. Sadly, I like this version better. It works more for how I envision her character. She's strong and wise, but, eventually, she's not going to be strong enough unless she moves on.**_ **_I really do adore her though._**

_**Ja ne!**_  
><em><strong>~J. DCF<strong>_


End file.
